i was thinking and..

its really hard to tell someone how you feel about them. i mean really. how do you tell someone you really like, that you like them. you've been liking them forever. and your heart longs for them to know and understand your feelings. maybe even share them. if that's not to much to ask.

its been my experience that relationships aren't supposed to be hard to get into. i mean. the right ones aren't hard to get into AND maintain. not with the person that GOD wants for you, to be more specific. falling in love should be as easy as inhaling and exhaling. like..you should be the front of your significant others hand and he should be the back of yours with GOD being the veins and bones and blood and skin that connects the two sides. co-existing so easily in the same body/world as if you to are the only ones there.

now i'm not in love. and i don't claim to be. but i do claim to be in such a relationship. a GOD filled one. yes yes...flaws...everyone has them. my flesh is weak sometimes..and i try not to act all "Holier then thou" but i'm truly trying to improve my walk with GOD.

this not at all what i planned on writing about. i was reading some past blogs and reflecting on past relationships and how evident it was when i was having troubles in those relationships and how i tried with everything in me to hang on to the failing relationship that GOD obviously didn't want for me. the signs were there i just ignored them and kept walking half blind and half deaf into the wrong situation.

anyway. i think one of the points of all this is to not force things and to keep your eyes open. esp relationships. not just between men and women but friendships too.

you can draw your own conclusion.

roxx.

Epiphany.

So this spring break, just like any break, i was exploited for my talents. I mean i was paid for it..in more then one way but...that's not the point. I was asked to play at one of my mothers friends class and talk to the students in general as a musician and as a "young aspiring teacher". Now folks we know the latter was put in quotes for a reason but i honestly enjoyed it. I liked the feeling of enlightening the students. Its a weird kind of rewarding feeling to see the sudden understanding as they listened to me play and talk. I think these feelings should be developed of course. But I'm def feeling the lecture atmosphere of a college class room. Maybe I'm not getting this degree for nothing like i thought...

Once again...

So I've decided that....sex ruins relationships. Okay let me just say MY relationships, from MY point of view. And coincidentally it brings out the "nigga" in me. For instance. Mr M. as he will be called. Is a male that i had intercourse with..and he's...well just that. Rude? Maybe but that just seems to be my mentality. And in his case i lost total interest in him. And his attempts to rekindle what ever we "had" brings out more of the "nigga". Its like when Reggie turns into Reginald..

With my most recent relationship there was/is more there then just sex but still....I'm convinced that if the intercourse hadn't taken place the relationship might have turned out way better and lasted longer OR maybe amounted to something..other than a slightly awkward friendship.

The point?

Well I've claimed celibacy once again. Maybe i can have a relationship without physical intimacy. I mean not even kissing. Just a hug here and there. A really slow moving relationship. Ha give me another year.

Yurp...

Leandria is happy. For the first time in awhile. Im happy. Not having to walking around a males feelings in fear of hurting them or getting mine hurt in turn. Ha its a funny feeling actually being open with how i feel and not being shot down because of it. A real ass, genuine, on his shit friend. We'll see where this goes. Hopefully somewhere...

Yepp....

Leandria is indifferent.
I do what i want because I'm old enough to make my own decisions so please..don't judge me. I know we play about that term..often but in real life...lets not.
If i were here to please the world i would work harder to do so but that's def not my calling so...I'll stop trying.
Trust is an issue now a days. I say don't say something, it would satisfy me if you don't do it.
Not accusing anyone. Just saying.
Please understand that i love you all dearly but it was stated twice and stated nicely that its time to go home. Huntsville is looking better to me then Nashville is at the moment.

Merry Christmas.

One foot

I had one foot in the door. But now i want to pull it out and pull back. I knew what i wanted before but i didn't listen to myself and what I knew i wanted. But now that im here...how do i reverse what's happened? Im happy...but not really. I like the situation...but i don't. I had a hand in the door way to catch it from closing but now im thinking about letting it close. And letting the next one open.
I have one foot in the door. What happens now?

Unfulfilled

I'm starting to feel unfulfilled. Not unfulfilled...like I'm not sure where my life is going. I'm thinking photography will make my life happy for the time being but what am i really gonna do with it in the long run?? I mean i could take pictures for weddings yeah....but i want to play for them too...idk I'll figure that out later. As of right now my goal is to be effin famous but i feel like I'm NOT doing what i need to be doing...and its not even that i want to be effin famous but i want to leave my mark..yes my MARK. And by doing this, Nashville, or even just TSU (but we're aiming big here so we can starting with TSU) will know that violin/photographer/rock star/humanitarian/what ever else i can be, because i Leandria Lott-Roxx will be on my shit. But this downward spiral is overcoming me and it started on...you guesed! The Sunday before school started. Who would have known that one stupid August Sunday would be the inevitable down fall of what i wanted to accomplish...

I've gone over this day soooo many times in my head...and just wondering what could have gone differently and what went wrong. And in real life i didn't say or do anything that i wouldn't have done otherwise. So I couldn't have been the problem...but what ever. Dwelling on that event isn't gonna erase it from that past. So lets move forward in time to last weekend...for some reasons i feel obligated to do things for him and help him..but indirectly...like taking pictures...even though i thoroughly enjoyed being Picturewoman..i felt like i was doing it more for him then my twin or my lloydy. Even though that's the excuse i kept saying to myself that its for Maya..and its for Lloydy but alot of it was for him too. And i hate that i still have to write these blogs so that the chipped and cracked parts of my heart can be glued back together for the time being. Because Leandria Tia Lott is not a happy person. Coach Roxx is an alter ego that lies dormant until somebody remembers that she's there. Honestly i would happily give my title away if i could be happy with what i have. And its not that i have low self esteem at all. I love who i am and what i stand for its just the time i wish i could get back or somehow move that time frame into the present time so i can be happy how i was this summer. Idk.

Simple loves

"Its the simple things in life you treasure.."

Okay guys..this quote is def cliche` but relevant at this point in my life. My friends call me simple. Its because i am it doesn't take that much to please me. But as i was skimming through the Crayonz blog Gent was gun excited about a trip to Wal-mart, bed bath and beyond and idk target probably...if you don't know us you would wonder why. We could be kickin it in 608 or room B, chillin in the drunken hours of the night, and some of us waking up to the hang overs in the morning...but you can bet there's some kind of profound conversation going on or a new record being produced. (vibrate on that ho zzzz zzz zzzzzz)

You can judge us if you want to.....but we're still gonna be excited to go to Wal-mart.