In response to "What are we even doing?"

So xoxo your question is one of those that's rattled my brain and heart for almost a year. I mean honestly why give your all into something and only get half or less back. Its not fair. Then there's that mind set..hey i know he cares. So why break your neck to see them...driving different places just so that feeling of YOU missing THEM can stop..so you can have more then a picture and a text, but a hug, something tangible, to know they care. Its crazy how we as females take things more seriously then them. The question "What are we even doing here?" might not mean as much to him so in turn it won't get answered...so answering it your self might be your best bet. Whats the invisible force that's pushing you to be there for him if its not really being returned..and why keep trying. Idk but when ever i even think of my past relationship and wondering if if just maybe could still work i think of that phrase, "downward escalator." It makes me remember Life. and all the things i did for him and i didn't necessarily get it back. Kind of like a cheerleader. Idk hopefully i helped...

Puddles and Rivers you say?

We all know i love water. I played in rain puddles as kidd and had cute little goulashes that matched my rain coat. BUT i was never for rivers. They're dirty and creatures live in them...and i know I'm taking the analogy out of context but the reality of all this is, is that I'm not ready, and in real life I'm afraid I'm gonna do the same thing he did to me, the things i said to you is slick verbatim what he said to justify the situation...and I'm not okay with that. Being frank that shit sucks and it hurts. And I'm afraid i jumped into a puddle that was a little to deep...that has the characteristics of a river but not quite...a stream maybe? Which ever body of water it may be, I'm starting to get caught up in the current, swept up into your arms and your smile. It could all be so simple like that one song but we all know its not. Our friendship was never really a friendship. There was always something else there. Something that kept us looking for each other after class, and texting during. Something that had me in your practice room during the day and you in my dorm room at night. Honestly the attraction is there it always was. And the promise of a relationship is there its very apparent. But the uncertainty is growing rapidly. I'm not sure, sadly, of what i want. The constant flow of fear....of getting my knees wet in the stream that's quickly turning into a river...and i don't want to drown...slick i don't want to kill anyone either. Maybe i should just get up and dry off while my head's still above water. And here's a thought..maybe i miss Coach Roxx..idk but in all this confusion of an analogy it still feels like somethings missing. Like this whole pursuit of happiness thing is going the opposite way it should be. That might be another blogg for another day...



♥LottRoxx

One foot

I had one foot in the door. But now i want to pull it out and pull back. I knew what i wanted before but i didn't listen to myself and what I knew i wanted. But now that im here...how do i reverse what's happened? Im happy...but not really. I like the situation...but i don't. I had a hand in the door way to catch it from closing but now im thinking about letting it close. And letting the next one open.
I have one foot in the door. What happens now?

Unfulfilled

I'm starting to feel unfulfilled. Not unfulfilled...like I'm not sure where my life is going. I'm thinking photography will make my life happy for the time being but what am i really gonna do with it in the long run?? I mean i could take pictures for weddings yeah....but i want to play for them too...idk I'll figure that out later. As of right now my goal is to be effin famous but i feel like I'm NOT doing what i need to be doing...and its not even that i want to be effin famous but i want to leave my mark..yes my MARK. And by doing this, Nashville, or even just TSU (but we're aiming big here so we can starting with TSU) will know that violin/photographer/rock star/humanitarian/what ever else i can be, because i Leandria Lott-Roxx will be on my shit. But this downward spiral is overcoming me and it started on...you guesed! The Sunday before school started. Who would have known that one stupid August Sunday would be the inevitable down fall of what i wanted to accomplish...

I've gone over this day soooo many times in my head...and just wondering what could have gone differently and what went wrong. And in real life i didn't say or do anything that i wouldn't have done otherwise. So I couldn't have been the problem...but what ever. Dwelling on that event isn't gonna erase it from that past. So lets move forward in time to last weekend...for some reasons i feel obligated to do things for him and help him..but indirectly...like taking pictures...even though i thoroughly enjoyed being Picturewoman..i felt like i was doing it more for him then my twin or my lloydy. Even though that's the excuse i kept saying to myself that its for Maya..and its for Lloydy but alot of it was for him too. And i hate that i still have to write these blogs so that the chipped and cracked parts of my heart can be glued back together for the time being. Because Leandria Tia Lott is not a happy person. Coach Roxx is an alter ego that lies dormant until somebody remembers that she's there. Honestly i would happily give my title away if i could be happy with what i have. And its not that i have low self esteem at all. I love who i am and what i stand for its just the time i wish i could get back or somehow move that time frame into the present time so i can be happy how i was this summer. Idk.

Swagg??

Ha okay so I'm back. This swagg thing. I mean i have swagg. Not to be cocky or conceited I'm far from that. But I'm an attractive, talented, and intelligent young women who has alot going for her. And some people can't see that. Maybe its not my swagg that I'm missing then. Maybe I'm just missing that person and I'm thinking that they had something to do with my swagg. Now true enough they were apart of my life for a good little minute almost a year and that's time and effort that i Leandria Roxx invested. Its just like me taking time out of my life to write this blogg with this person in mind for me to read it at the max 4 times and then slick forget about it...pointless right? I've said before that i was done, dwelling on what could have been. But i don't think its that simple for me to just let go of something that i feel/felt really passionately about. And since I'm still slick attached to this kidd in someways thoughts of him creep up on me in every direction. I mean honestly...what did i REALLY do? I'm effin amazing..I'm effin supportive, and i put up with an effin lot. My daddy told me that i was to good..but that's just what daddy's are supposed to say. And in real life i don't believe I'm to good for him. We're just in different places...in different mind sets.. And clearly in...well what ever it was we shared..being on one accord with each is required. That was my mistake, your blunder. Overlooking an important factor in the balance of life. Yours and mine. And the really sad part about this is I'm the ONLY one that cares. Cares enough to write these countless bloggs about you. And what could have been. I've never been the type to linger on a fallin male companion unless i was in love. And it wasn't there. It was more of a deep understanding of who he was and caring for him in that way. And I mean who doesn't want a good ass friend who doesn't judge and who you can talk to about any and everything and nuthin at the same time. And once again the sad thing is I'm the ONLY one that cares...writing pointless bloggs about people that don't care about the last year...*sigh* i digress...and I'm rambling...i feel kind of resolve if not for the situation...just for the night..

And it feels like...

Sooo yeah...I'm tired. You smiled at me today and reminded me of all the things that you used to do to make me smile....and i used to do to make you smile...and honestly i felt helpless..and empty. Or something i can't really explain it. But i thought of an analogy today...Think of a cake.. now not just any cake but a gorgeous cake...birthday cake if you want. And its so pretty but somebody just came and cut the cake and took the prettiest part and it and now there's a BIG whole in it...if you made sense of that analogy that's how i feel..and its so frustrating that a look from your direction will bring back every emotion i thought i had thrown away....I'm so tired. And i wanna be done...but I've come to the conclusion that i can't stand being your friend..and i can't stand not being that either..it hurts either way..Me and my friend had a conversation today about the Pursuit of happiness and every little wish is for happiness but honestly how can anybody be happy in real life with a piece of cake missing!!

Soo im in love...

with my friends! No homo. But i love them ho's! I thought this summer was tough without my line sisters but then another ball of sunshine walked into my life bright as hell and 7 foot tall!Ha okay she's not that damn tall but i miss her and my two short ho's too!! And the sad part is...we've only be separated for all of 2 or 3 days! Lets get it together folks. We need to be able to cope for winter break. Or you could all just live with me!...(no down with Huntsville)

Okay maybe this will turn into a this that and the other....
Recent studies have shown that I Leandria Roxx is not a very affectionate person..
For instance I'll hold your hand I'll give you a hug we can even cuddle for a bit BUT don't get used to it. It gets boring after a while and i wanna see new tricks..no pun people.

Ha Dori!! Are you a fan of Madagascar? Because the Madagascar 2 comes out November 7!!

I'm getting a new phone!!..once again m shad0w has failed me....and i have to get all my numbers again.

I love my best friend!! He told me howdy today..so he's my best friend the cow boy..no one else has one of those!!

I hate it when ex's text me just to let me know that i played them..there's probably a reason why i played you either you tried me. or you did something to annoy me. And i probably don't care about your feelings anyway. And people lets get this straight i might me cute and friendly but if you try me I'm gonna be neither to you. You'll be exed and thinking about what couldn't have been because I'm not that type.

Hey! i digg consistency and just so NO ONE is confused on the definition of the word consistency here's the definition with an example (well look at God!)

steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

Makes a lot of sense huh?

BUT WAIT! The reason why i love Maya's best friend is because of his honesty/real-assness.

He said "Leandria you can't be the Coach and needy too."

I mean damn I've never been called needy so I've decided to be neither. I'm tired of casually dating because its not getting me any where. I mean i slick don't trust venom even if he's a walking damnit. Vandy is cute but there's no major connection and the guy with 20 names well he's got a couple of gold stars under his belt but its one of those stagnant romances..if you wanna call it that. Ha i see its time to play things by ear again.

I'm at home!!

I miss my twin!!

Front where are you??

Homework is calling my name..but its pronouncing it wrong...who is Leonadria??

♥ Ex Coach