Puddles and Rivers you say?

We all know i love water. I played in rain puddles as kidd and had cute little goulashes that matched my rain coat. BUT i was never for rivers. They're dirty and creatures live in them...and i know I'm taking the analogy out of context but the reality of all this is, is that I'm not ready, and in real life I'm afraid I'm gonna do the same thing he did to me, the things i said to you is slick verbatim what he said to justify the situation...and I'm not okay with that. Being frank that shit sucks and it hurts. And I'm afraid i jumped into a puddle that was a little to deep...that has the characteristics of a river but not quite...a stream maybe? Which ever body of water it may be, I'm starting to get caught up in the current, swept up into your arms and your smile. It could all be so simple like that one song but we all know its not. Our friendship was never really a friendship. There was always something else there. Something that kept us looking for each other after class, and texting during. Something that had me in your practice room during the day and you in my dorm room at night. Honestly the attraction is there it always was. And the promise of a relationship is there its very apparent. But the uncertainty is growing rapidly. I'm not sure, sadly, of what i want. The constant flow of fear....of getting my knees wet in the stream that's quickly turning into a river...and i don't want to drown...slick i don't want to kill anyone either. Maybe i should just get up and dry off while my head's still above water. And here's a thought..maybe i miss Coach Roxx..idk but in all this confusion of an analogy it still feels like somethings missing. Like this whole pursuit of happiness thing is going the opposite way it should be. That might be another blogg for another day...



♥LottRoxx

Swagg??

Ha okay so I'm back. This swagg thing. I mean i have swagg. Not to be cocky or conceited I'm far from that. But I'm an attractive, talented, and intelligent young women who has alot going for her. And some people can't see that. Maybe its not my swagg that I'm missing then. Maybe I'm just missing that person and I'm thinking that they had something to do with my swagg. Now true enough they were apart of my life for a good little minute almost a year and that's time and effort that i Leandria Roxx invested. Its just like me taking time out of my life to write this blogg with this person in mind for me to read it at the max 4 times and then slick forget about it...pointless right? I've said before that i was done, dwelling on what could have been. But i don't think its that simple for me to just let go of something that i feel/felt really passionately about. And since I'm still slick attached to this kidd in someways thoughts of him creep up on me in every direction. I mean honestly...what did i REALLY do? I'm effin amazing..I'm effin supportive, and i put up with an effin lot. My daddy told me that i was to good..but that's just what daddy's are supposed to say. And in real life i don't believe I'm to good for him. We're just in different places...in different mind sets.. And clearly in...well what ever it was we shared..being on one accord with each is required. That was my mistake, your blunder. Overlooking an important factor in the balance of life. Yours and mine. And the really sad part about this is I'm the ONLY one that cares. Cares enough to write these countless bloggs about you. And what could have been. I've never been the type to linger on a fallin male companion unless i was in love. And it wasn't there. It was more of a deep understanding of who he was and caring for him in that way. And I mean who doesn't want a good ass friend who doesn't judge and who you can talk to about any and everything and nuthin at the same time. And once again the sad thing is I'm the ONLY one that cares...writing pointless bloggs about people that don't care about the last year...*sigh* i digress...and I'm rambling...i feel kind of resolve if not for the situation...just for the night..

And it feels like...

Sooo yeah...I'm tired. You smiled at me today and reminded me of all the things that you used to do to make me smile....and i used to do to make you smile...and honestly i felt helpless..and empty. Or something i can't really explain it. But i thought of an analogy today...Think of a cake.. now not just any cake but a gorgeous cake...birthday cake if you want. And its so pretty but somebody just came and cut the cake and took the prettiest part and it and now there's a BIG whole in it...if you made sense of that analogy that's how i feel..and its so frustrating that a look from your direction will bring back every emotion i thought i had thrown away....I'm so tired. And i wanna be done...but I've come to the conclusion that i can't stand being your friend..and i can't stand not being that either..it hurts either way..Me and my friend had a conversation today about the Pursuit of happiness and every little wish is for happiness but honestly how can anybody be happy in real life with a piece of cake missing!!