Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Today was it..i couldn't hold them in any longer! I've prayed about it but they came anyway. Seeing your face...set me off. I'm not fine with this. What does friendship really mean anyway? In the past 10 months that definition has been distorted drastically for i sit here now and think about how much i want to be mad at you and about how much i don't wanna care. I keep coming back to the fact that i care about you to much and me being mad is only the frustration that's built up over time..yeah I'm upset but its not all because of something you did. I'm upset with myself for getting to attached, which i promised my self i wouldn't do. Your amazing in soooo many ways kidd. Its crazy because i can still see this even through the blinding frustration, that's telling me to hate you and forget about everything we've been through. You know me kidd! I'm a person that says how she feels but when your guy says "lets be friends" how do react? What should i have said that would have made the outcome different? I wanna make you happy but in doing so there are definite repercussions and i forget to remember my own feelings.. Not cool idk how you do it! But you not only embody the brain of an effin musical genius which is outrageous to me because you don't even know all your talents, but your hella genuine..again as i said before amazing. And i def don't use that word lightly. I mean what i say and i know that you do the same. Even though I'm hurt i can't help but see the method to your madness. Maybe i should have said something...but in any case your still my favorite kidd.

Monday, August 25, 2008


Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man

With all the love that his heart can stand

Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good

And can't sustain like a one half could

It's wanting more

That's gonna send me to my knees(repeat)

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me

Oh gravity has taken better men than me how can they be?

Just keep me where the light is

Just keep me where the light is

Just keep me where the light is

Come on keep me where the light is

Come on keep me where the light is

Come on keep me where, keep me where the light is

So today didn't start of that great. I once again woke up thinking of my new mind set. The mind set that has set me back. "a downward elevator" And in many ways its seems like my thoughts were heavier. Bringing me down. It was gravity!! I was thinking to hard about the situation and was trying to control it. So i started praying! And the end of this song "Just keep me where the light is" means to me keep me where God is. As i prayed i felt better. I felt lighter. I confided in a friend that really knows me in and out and understood what i was going through. And it helped! My day ended on a better note and i can look back and smile.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Dean's list

I woke up this morning with a headache just thinking about the wasted time and disappointment..Starting over and realizing what starting over really means. All those days spent getting to know you and your habits. And understanding your cycles and your patterns..made me of course i saw this coming. But it doesn't mean i was okay with it. All my hard work is shot to nothing and you got me thinking of roller coasters again. Starting off hella slow...the couple of bumps that tease you into expecting more..The climax which makes you want more...and then the fast crash down..The ride is over...Yo! I hate roller coasters. And even though you say the ride might not be over. And we might end up together. I can't live off of maybe's and mights. Because all they end up being is should've been(s) and won't(s). I just realized that as you say your not ready to be in this with me you've shown me that I'm not ready either. To be rapped up in you like it was hinted you wanted me to some ways i was def led on. And i question was it the distance. The age difference..maturity level. I know i can be childish but I'm hella mature...and understanding and patient which is basically a prerequisite for talking to you. Your figurative 'class' is so strenuous because there's so much homework and memory work. Which is cool because I'm a Dean's list kidd..but in real life I'm tired of all the work. Of waiting for results for test or getting points but...maybe being sold short...if i need help there's a couple of tutors standing by but there not 24 hour tutors are tuturs with some kind of flexible schedule and sometimes they're focused on another subject. And i know its work and sometimes i learn a lot in class but I'm starting over again. So either I've failed or you haven't done your job...And I'm a Dean's List kidd.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Mind Set

My mind is set.

There are so many possibilities

But so many things holding me back.

Your past, my past.

The difference between I like you and you suck.

My mind is set

That you’re in my present mind set.
You’re the one that makes me smile in the
Day time…

Afternoon time...

Night time…
But you make me frown too.

You sometimes infuriate me with your words.

They can hurt But I’m helpless to your words.
I know you mean what you say.

My mind stays set.

But a change in mind set?

That maybe you’re not ready.

Maybe I’m not either.

Surely we would know as long as its been.

Maybe my mind shouldn’t be set in such a way…

That all I can think about is you holding me.

Or the sounds of the piano as you stroke the keys.

Musically sounds are perfect.

Emotionally sounds are not.

But my mind is set…

But maybe my mind set

Isn’t the right mind set for you.
Isn’t the right mind set for me.

But what is?

Should my mind control my heart.

Should I listen to what it's saying?

The internal battle that’s driving me insane.

Give up!

It’s a slow process!

Have patience!

He’ll come around!

He might not!

Blah blah blah!

All i can think of is Kick Rocks!

But then again….My mind is set.It’s set on you.