Unfulfilled

I'm starting to feel unfulfilled. Not unfulfilled...like I'm not sure where my life is going. I'm thinking photography will make my life happy for the time being but what am i really gonna do with it in the long run?? I mean i could take pictures for weddings yeah....but i want to play for them too...idk I'll figure that out later. As of right now my goal is to be effin famous but i feel like I'm NOT doing what i need to be doing...and its not even that i want to be effin famous but i want to leave my mark..yes my MARK. And by doing this, Nashville, or even just TSU (but we're aiming big here so we can starting with TSU) will know that violin/photographer/rock star/humanitarian/what ever else i can be, because i Leandria Lott-Roxx will be on my shit. But this downward spiral is overcoming me and it started on...you guesed! The Sunday before school started. Who would have known that one stupid August Sunday would be the inevitable down fall of what i wanted to accomplish...

I've gone over this day soooo many times in my head...and just wondering what could have gone differently and what went wrong. And in real life i didn't say or do anything that i wouldn't have done otherwise. So I couldn't have been the problem...but what ever. Dwelling on that event isn't gonna erase it from that past. So lets move forward in time to last weekend...for some reasons i feel obligated to do things for him and help him..but indirectly...like taking pictures...even though i thoroughly enjoyed being Picturewoman..i felt like i was doing it more for him then my twin or my lloydy. Even though that's the excuse i kept saying to myself that its for Maya..and its for Lloydy but alot of it was for him too. And i hate that i still have to write these blogs so that the chipped and cracked parts of my heart can be glued back together for the time being. Because Leandria Tia Lott is not a happy person. Coach Roxx is an alter ego that lies dormant until somebody remembers that she's there. Honestly i would happily give my title away if i could be happy with what i have. And its not that i have low self esteem at all. I love who i am and what i stand for its just the time i wish i could get back or somehow move that time frame into the present time so i can be happy how i was this summer. Idk.